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"In my garden I spend my days; in my library I spend my nights.
My interests are divided between my geraniums and my books.
With the flower I am in the present; with the book I am in the past."
Alexander Smith - 1830-1867
reduced, eliminated all kinds of food
subsequent to my recovery of my body
briefly it went to 160 pounds sometime last year
and that's where I quit calling it a 'diet' for further weight loss
I remembered when I was about in my late teens
early twenties, every wednesday and saturday
we had fresh ocean fish from the market
caught the same very early morning
and I ate as much as I wanted mackerels
I liked with parsley and rich cream sauce,
then the flounders fried in butter
and I had mixed raw eggs, apples and milk in the blender,
eggs from my bantams, and apples from our garden
and rich milk with cream on top delivered to the door
we, my friends, we used to go to the fish restaurants,
ate with two forks and often reordered another fried flounder
and with all that drank always a Pilsener and more Pilsener
So that sort of body weight
I remembered and considered it as the real me.
From there on I hope I eat nothing 'manufactured'
I distrust grains and bread,
only small bread, a few grains
I no longer eat any oats from any package
and if only not to eat the anti-mildew poison
and other poisons
now nuts come from a tree with lots of nuts,
so I eat lots of nuts and get enough of nuts,
walnuts, hazel, brazil, cashews, almonds;
they all grow on the same one tree and come from that tree
so eating many is still within the paradigm of the tree
but grains are industrialized products-
one could eat fresh grains just a few and some extra
right of the field, but I feel better and always felt better
with long stretches without any bread. buns or cake,
even now when I bake it all myself
Potatoes also come from one plant,
so one can eat many potatoes,
but grains is an artificial series of individual plants,
so chew only the grains of that one plant
this summer I will try to grow some Amaranth grain
and Millet for me and the birds
So my weight stays steady at +- 170 ever since;
I'm still up 18 hours,
work the garden: building up on top of the soil
so not to disturb the soil, raked up leaves and dried grass
so to cover the beds with mulch and let the organisms
below ground have a feast
the peas are up 2-3 inches,
planted friday Russet Burbank potatoes here and there
and planted Fava Beans seed near them
and will continue seeding those beans
until the pole beans can be put out late May
this weekend we get snow
and temperatures return to minus eleven Celcius
for a few nights
all my plants, seedings are covered up with plastic umbrellas:
1- to warm up faster and deeper under the sun
so to be able to seed earlier
2- to protect against this sort of weather, cold night, protect moisture against the wind
against the birds which I still feed otherwise
I get more potato flavours
and interplant with more beans and more peas
and flowers of this and of that
I prefer it wild,
non-structured,
unstraight,
like the boy in me
who got to know nature at its best
and I'm far removed from culture
and culture's outbursts so contrary to nature knows best
humanity drives by, disappears
got no conforming radio and television voices drumming
to clutter up my ears
but I listen to the many bird's concert between noon and all afternoon,
and sometimes the birds all fly my way-
a huge communication system that's based on my feeding system feeding them
last monday one white butterfly flew through the garden, one
but birds are returning more and more
singing more and more
migrating birds very high up
from high up they call as if down
in truth
they lift up my ears
repeat themselves
as the already ideal idealization
never censors
the silent nod of the censor
a history that never enters a past
but always lurks as an intention
that works forward and against
and always a force opposite
force enough that transforms language within itself
reredefines the 'human' once more and yet again
history's project remains a game
as if it must be be won
its multiple force
within narrowest bounds
of an excessive subtraction
less of a human identity
an open ended un-identifiability
a narrowing world
a taking away of language
when the unitary presidency
receives the hierarchical leader of an absolutist state
that shapes humans and designs desire
as if democracy was merely a wordy war
inadvertently forgetting its history and itself as pivotal
yet the 'big picture' resumes,
yes, from ashes
contrary intentions proceed unabated,
all in secrete
walls fall, after that
minds fall faster
seed planted today;
a whole square 23"x23" , 60cm x 60cm
also another batch corn salad (Broadleaf Dutch)
we had more rain last night and during the day
everything is covered with clear plastic umbrellas,
so when the sun comes out my patch gets "hot" under the umbrellas,
but frost will still come into May/June
when I will plant beans, tomatoes, cucumbers etc
and New Zealand Spinach, all along a 15 feet trellis and some other trellis
also applied six bags cow manure to the hedge, lilies, everlastings and hostas
also fed the birds, expanding the bird drinking fountain
I planted no flowers yet: got especially climbing Nasturtium seed for another trellis
I get about two dozen plus Geraniums in pots; mostly red
none of last year survived inside
After the rain the ground is not workable; I have to watch this closely day by day
All the leaves and grass I had raked up into a large compost bed 3feetx 6feet
I topped it this morning with the 'ant hill' clay dirt I kept covered in two buckets;
and 'raked' it in with the wet grass and decaying leaves
somehow this will be raked back and goes onto/near the to be planted beans as mulch;
this is probably the last rain we get in April and after the desert takes over again;
like I said elsewhere, here we have the most sunshine in Canada
my amaranth will be mixed with red clover so to make sure
I have earth covered with some sort of growing mulch
Up front I think of planting more lettuce in the cool shade for the summer
everything I do so far is to get salads and vegetables on the table;
it's only ten weeks until the days are getting shorter again
and the fall crop needs to be planted, kept watered and protected from the sun heat...
This is Zone 2a2b probably 3a;
I never gardened in this sort of zone before
I have all kinds of Chinese vegetable seeds,
early stuff to eat
early stuff to be seeded for fall harvest etc
I got carrot seeds, several kinds
I should get a cow, because the four liter jug is now $5.29
In December it was still $4.99
but then comes the time I don't drink that stuff
I cannot propagate as I always did wherever I lived my houseplants;
plants I nursed for four years in New Brunswick couldn't manage the local water-
and I don't drink that stuff either
I hope watering the garden with it during the summer heat will produce my vegetables,
cantaloupes, melons, cucumbers, squash, etc, beans etc
is performed "on faith"
a ritual to which they never consented,
consent itself seduced within a ritual
ritualistic behaviour needs its kernel of force
delivered by those that got the females on their knees
within a ritualistic consent of a ritualistic group
so the homophobic speech act arises from within a delirium
remains a ritual within the realm of their very own historical delirious tears,
a forced consent, a ritual "on faith"
and absent minded lips repeat
speak the ritual and repeat
and repeat
the ritual speaks itself
not homosexuality
but the perverse control that is exercised
via homophobic speech acts
by leaderships and hierarchies
that must control and manipulate groups
for their own survival, success and glory
for nation and mother's milk;
especially female homophobes who are as if 'by nature'
stuck within an ideology of 'the sex to be sexed'
no two lovers have such a destructive cohesiveness
as that of an animal called group
that is always already on the brink of hysteria
fruit of prohibition's and repression's manipulators
it's actually utmost disgusting
to see such a group perpetuated
by those in their control
to whom all benefits
from a 'homophobia armed group ' accrue
preempts customer service in these parts,
brings the pulpit to the workplace
the employees are the serfs and servants to the bosses
and the employees act as their agents and control
and thus train the 'customer' which you're not and never
you are not a 'customers' in a church,
you're never as 'customer' of a god
but you suffer the modes of abjection,
the degrading speech acts
that the agents of the pulpit bring to their working floor
homophobia is the operating attitude of hierarchy
which either the post office nor the businesses have control over,
because the Charter of Rights is opposed by hierarchical forces
that control the agents
just as Human Rights are preempted, not recognized by the hierarchy
so are 'customers' an abject class within that sort of system
and the agents trained as per pulpit
that's what you get:
looks, grimaces,
speech acts that embellishes the agent as a group as serfs and servants
thereby redefining what used to be 'customer'
-outside the hierarchy
are these homophobic females
cover ups for lesbianism
within their very own world of hierarchy
that of course
does not thrive within so large groups
of an obedient female sex
and their subservient homophobic male sex?
speech act of male homophobia
related to female sex's behaviour
(hysteric, desperate facial expressions, 'brain drained')
in a public work place
within all the hush whisper closeness
within all the twitter of a nearly all female work environment
in which males
are subservient to
and congruent
with the female sex's homophobic discourse glue?
by how much does an already procreative female
elevate her husband's - his male sex's - standing
by practicing homophobic speech acts with a male first grader -
a woman acting out homophobic theatrics
in a business environment
how does the female sex with her male homophobic speech
train and turn homophobic males?
are making war on non-homophobic bodies
and practicing homophobic speech acts for public show
and true love's last speech act
contingent on each other?
I see resemblance from when I was in first grade
and the Russian troops took over the whole block where we had lived
and teachers at school were always aggressive and not as peaceful as my parents
and some of the school boys were just as uncivilized
when we moved to the 'west'
there too, the Americans took over whole areas, streets and villas for their military
at least there was some more food; for milk you still had to bring your own bottle
and a loaf or less of rationed bread you took home under your arm
newspaper was still too precious: you needed it to wipe your arse with
anyway,
when the Berlin Wall came down
the 20th century came to an end and communism socialism collapsed
but what happened before came "back to life"
and my first reaction was that the American Democracy will be next to collapse,
being itself a child of the much anti-church French Revolution and its train of thought
preceding and succeeding
Much reminds me of my teachers from the first school year on
including the preceding war, the subsequent occupations, the poverty
and the many years of ruins and life ruined because of war, devastation, starving
We get fooled by this modern stuff, internet, cars that kill us, devastate health and environment
worst is, people in leadership roles have had not to learn much of what had happened
actually, the curricula now got far simpler, less demanding than when I was eight,
and to learn English, French, then at ten Latin and on and on through the school years
and teachers were always 'pro" the good old time or 'con' the 'present occupation'
so we boys stood with one foot in some reality,
with the other we existed from the food rationing
Language remains the same, negative, the sentiment still rich in prejudice,
wars and implicated churches forgotten, life and life lived disparaged by new faces,
same foul ideology yet different generation, same theology,
and sure they are as any ideologue the world has experienced in the past
and as if getting ready for a likewise yet unknown dismal future
I baked a small loaf of bread
made of
light rye flour,
spelt flour,
kamut flour,
barley flour.
This sort of high-protein mixture I liked,
it agreed with me,
I kept eating and chewing it.
A real bread one must chew;
I relearned this.
Now my garden gets off the ground:
the ground warms up, we have some rain,
and the patches I use are covered with small plastic umbrellas,
the last frost comes in May or June or whatever...
checked my corn salad,
is already sprouting, added another batch, also some lettuce.
The small corner of red clover also sprouted,
this is for the bees and for me to look at bees.
I get some stinging nettle plants, also for the bees
and insects and for some leaves for the 'salad,'
I also got some French dandelion seeds for the salad
also Amaranth grain seed, for a small patch,
for me and for the birds and for the eyes to look at
since the collapse of the consumer ideology
within the realm of my local experience
businesses including the the so 'correct' post office
'are in the business of gossip and innuendo distribution
expanding their businesses into agents
of papacy, church, law enforcing apparatus
the local rurals are well ahead
and their culture congruent with local homo sapiens
some of these agents even lined up their women-collective
as if one inadvertently walked into a medieval whore house,
the first word some other 'business' agent uttered
before saying HALLO or what's your name or a smile:
"ARE YOU MARRIED?"
Now from here on every discourse of stupidy
that circulates here is soaked with perversions and sexual innuendo
homophobia and hetero glorifications
that should be the envy of the civilized world-
but "there are worse places with a Constitution'
I was told...last century...
now that sets the tone for more homophobia
and hetero glorification and its hysterics
within local businesses and their ethics
in other words the moral caliber
of the business inmates, hysterics et al
regardless of their advertised preferred gender,
family ideology and local theology and ideology
genitalia precede brain,
sexualized discourse surpasses all study,
all knowledge, all science, all theology and
all 'rural friendly family' propaganda
the forever 'unadults' are at it
with gutter and gusto
exists
beyond a few dismal words
a community received
to limit itself
within one voice
a non-identity
a cohesiveness
that drowns out
the unwanted
an unending chorus of sameness speaks
words play
neither 'in' this world
nor are 'of' this world
but wiggle within the body
and limited enough
they act straight ahead
towards an even flatter world
of more false acting
and beneath
fooled by gendered language
the in-human
lurks
are new
products of history
like citizen
or customer
that 'customer is king'
is as outmoded as the socialist agenda
here, you're either ' with us"
or nothing else fits to elevate the human
into some role of remote control
control is direct
your name does not count
after all everybody has a name a number
a whole marketing agenda wiped out:
yes, words do that
like they do wipe out people,
'individualism' is a modern word-
gone
dead, like you're not supposed to be
the fact you were birthed
nullifies itself over a life-time
there are categories
that sort out, refuse you
refusal commands more laws
than rights
includes prejudices
so these hysterics -
male and female alike -
repeat whatever they fantasize (about you)
and exhibit identical convulsions
while repeating identical fantasies
act them out in a 'public' places
where no one has a name where all are one
which out here
adds up to a series of controlled fantasies
a realm of quasi perfected humans
dictating perfections to themselves
each repeating the other's voice(s)
gender becomes irrelevant
both sexes "are sexed" cattle-like as per formula,
an official non-choice fantasy
fictions keep fabricating gender,
both actors, convulse in unison
look at you, eyes from convoluted depths
suddenly their lips move
a sentence, eyes staring
sentence repeats itself
over and over
an inner voice commanding
over and over
perversions repeat themselves,
yes, human automata repeat words
hallucinating verbalizer
empowered from within
'adults' performing as 'juveniles'
forever children in training
'normalized' dictated cultural tricks
add 'gender' and what they call culture
both reduce to an anti-social performance
the tribal WE, the communal US and much MORE
hysterics, perversions, psychotics
all driven as if by inner-voiced-saint's dictat
commanding
Never experienced this sort of behaviour
in one 'business like individual' after another
and another
and another...
since my working days, last century,
at a large city mental hospital
AND
one need not to voice ONE WORD,
NOT ONE WORD
their fantasy do the acting automatically,
supplied with all their words,
implicating them within their system
at the required exclusion of the 'outsider'
very needed
to reanimate their system
over and over and over and over
I used to call this 'managing by walking around'
and practiced it
it works
acting humanity keeps performing
the usual and the very unexpected
compulsion create words
performances beyond fiction,
but never ever abstract words
like high valuta 'love' poetic talk
and 'outlawed' eroticisms
the ruins for more than twenty years
and then the smartest of them professionals
said: why didn't you stay there?
over sixty-thousand inhabitants of my home-town
were officially, legally according to law
murdered by the government,
many others got their death-penalty
\others got chained for telling jokes
all radios were confiscated
to 'save the system'
and if you didn't deliver
another death-penalty opportunity
arose
all during my one and only life-time
and
the professional idiot asked:
why didn't you stay in your home-town?
So, how do they- dogmatists et al,
define "home-town" ideology
in this life?
remind of designed
neighborly mysteries
the written signs rest
on paper
bereft of voice
while the breath of voices
remain shuttered, codified
i let it grow, let nature have her way
and grow and grow what was there to grow
now that gave me green manure turned into dry straw stuff
and leaves that I have now raked up into a pile
to make room for 'imported' compost and top-soil
so I will garden this year and next
and if I don't get enough green for my system
I'll got to move on and on until I find
a spot where nature is friendlier than the people
that live off the pharmacy and its god-given drugs
as if freezing temperatures want to keep on icing over the bird waterer
all the plastic umbrellas keep the sunshine but the drying wind
disappears with all the moisture
so it's about right that winter begins around Christmas
and ends around June to return its frost in September
Yesterday the local Robbin returned
looked at me
as if we already knew each other
that's April 5 in zone 2b-3a, the latter for optimists
now when I lived near Point Pelee
the earliest Robbin was May 5th
I keep feeding the birds, mostly sparrows, hundreds of them,
some sing,
the odd black bird, a pigeon or two
no squirral, deer are gone for some time now,
have not seen that singular rabbit this winter
this is dead country, build on the death required of others